Wednesday, April 15, 2015

Falling Off The Wagon

When you're cruising up and down the highway, do you always do the speed limit? Have you ever done 62 in a 55? I'm in deep thought. What exactly is that line between entitlement and being a criminal? I'm entitled to do 62 if I'm late for work (right?). Doing 90 mph, however, would be reckless and criminal. So what is that line?

I struggle with questions like this when I'm staring at shower gels. Really, what is the line in the sand of breaking a 2015 Beauty Resolution?  If I find a shower gel in the clearance bin, does it count? If I pass up the $18 Philosophy Pink Frosted Animal Cracker (bowing my head in a moment of silence) then how is it possible a $1 shower gel could be considered cheating? That's like doing 62 in a 55! Actually, that's more like doing 57 in a 55! I don't know of any law enforcement officer who give out a ticket for doing 57 in a 55. Sure, for those of you who are all about rules, I suppose 57 is technically breaking the law. For a normal human being, who is late for work and still needs to apply mascara 57 is the exact same thing as 55. The logic then follows that spending $1 on a shower gel is like spending nothing at all which means I did not break a 2015 Beauty Resolution.

Let me take you to the scene of the crime, I mean the scene of innocence. This year I seem to be on the hunt for a perfect brow product. Which means if I have less than 10 brow products in my arsenal, I will not rest at night. I try to be judicious when selecting beauty products because it is downright painful for me to part with anything and that includes returning an item. I ordered Tarte Amazonian Clay Brow Mousse in Taupe. Very nice. But not perfect. A tiny tiny tiny bit too warm. No one would notice but me. Every time I looked in the mirror. Any mirror. Even mirrors that only existed in my mind. Enter IT Cosmetics Build A Brow 5 in 1 Micro-Fiber Creme Gel Stain. Does that not sound like utter perfection? The color? Universal Taupe. I'm universal. Heck, before I used that tiny tiny tiny bit too warm Tarte Brow Mousse, I would see Miss Universe when I looked in the mirror instead of auburn caterpillars lurking above my eyes. Ordered the IT Cosmetics from Ulta. It arrived. I used it. Perfect! Well, almost perfect. It was a tiny tiny tiny bit too dark. I decided it was best to simply not look in the mirror. Darn it, I looked. And there was Bert from Sesame Street looking back at me. I had to return both brow products.

Off to Ulta I go. There was a line at the register. Maybe if I walked around, did a little swatching, a little spritzing, the line would go away and I could go right to the register and not have to stand in the aisle of evil fighting off temptation. For those who do not know what the aisle of evil is, it is the very clever brainchild of some marketing genius. All those little bins of goodies that line the wait aisle for the registers. TJ Maxx and Sephora have this down to a science. Who knew a little display of gum in the grocery aisle would give birth to mile long aisle of evil at TJ Maxx?  Never mind that all my swatching and spritzing would lead to inevitable purchasing of said items. At least I was choosing to buy those rather than being tricked into buying evil aisle products. I will not be tricked!

I know you are expecting me to list all the items I  CHOSE to buy. But no, you will not read that. I bought nothing. The line was down, I walked calmly through the aisle of evil (keeping my eyes averted from the bins) and then up to the register. And then it happened. My mouth went dry. My heart was pounding. My hands began to sweat. A basket of Easter clearance items on the register counter. Nestled among the bunny lip balms and egg shaped who knows what, were two miniature bottles of shower gel in Candy Egg scent. "Ma'am, how can I help you?" "I have returns." I wonder what Candy Egg scent is? I don't think I've heard of that scent. Maybe I should take a little sniff. It's probably sickeningly sweet. "Ma'am do you have your receipt for these?" Oh hush, leave me alone, I'm thinking about Candy Eggs! I hand over my receipts. Is it my fault this very sweet cashier is painfully slow and chatty? "Oh, I was thinking of buying this brow gel, you didn't like it?" "No, I looked like Bert from Sesame Street." I didn't mean to scare the poor girl but I was not thinking clearly. There was a $1 shower gel in the clearance bin within 12 inches of me and it was named Candy Egg.

Is doing 57 in a 55 really a crime? Is spending $1 on a shower gel really breaking my 2015 Beauty Resolution? No one would know. It's not as though Ulta was going to post a picture of me on their Facebook page, "Former shower gel addict caught falling off the wagon!" Darn this chatty cashier. "Those are some great deals in there, the lip balms taste like Peeps." Hush you crazy cashier, who cares about lip balm when there is Candy Egg shower gel screaming to give it a sniff. I could hear the theme song from Jaws in my head. It was getting louder and louder. I picked one up, ever so gently, and gave it a sniff. Honestly, this was the best shower gel I have ever sniffed. Better than Pink Frosted Animal Cracker.

Swing low sweet chariot
Coming for to carry me home
Swing low sweet chariot
Coming for to carry me home.....

To review all 12 of my 2015 Beauty Resolutions click here and see #11.


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1 comment:

  1. I loved this! I can see myself doing exactly the same thing. I've resolved not to buy another lipstick....well, that ended 2 weeks ago. Does it count that I got it on sale?